oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
