Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
