They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
