i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
