What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
