If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
