I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Randomize