just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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