i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
