We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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