Your tits are I can't wait for
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
