Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's blow job season.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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