dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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