i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think my moral compass just broke
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