My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
