from now on my penis is your penis
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
