So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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