so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
