Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
