Sry I called you an 8
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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