There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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