I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Randomize
