She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize