Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
