remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
