I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
