Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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