I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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