I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
