Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
