Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
