At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
