you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My feet surprised me
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