Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
