I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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