I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
