From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
