My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
