Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
