So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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