So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
