if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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