dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Randomize
