i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
