you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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