i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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