Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
