I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
