Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
