Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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