im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
