dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
there is glitter all over my balls
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
