did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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