before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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