y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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