well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize