Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
