well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize