So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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