Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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