You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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